The past few weeks have been pretty hard on me. Lately I have been thinking about a certain trial that I've been going through and it has been really hard on me. Of course it has been hard on Kenny too, but when my body isn't doing what it's made to do.. you feel broken, guilty, and alone.
"Without medical help it would take a miracle to get pregnant."
You know, as a woman you can feel when something just isn't right, you just have a feeling, a gut feeling you can't ignore. When I heard those words my heart broke. Everything I ever dreamed of shattered in a matter of seconds.
Ever since I was a little girl I always dreamed what it would be like to be a Mother. I would pack them a sack lunch, drop them off at school, and be there to pick them up, I would take them to their soccer or baseball games and cheer them on from the stands. Reading bedtime stories, running around in the backyard with our dogs, waiting anxiously for Dad to get home from work, playing car games on long road trips, eating dinner together, kiss booboos, cuddle with them, just imagining their smiles when they are happy, and wiping their tears when they are hurt.
I have always wanted to be a Mom.
Although it's not impossible with today's technology, I wasn't expecting this journey, it's not what we had planned. I'm heartbroken. I would be lying if I said I was Okay.
Infertility is a silent disease. You would be amazed how many couple's struggle to get pregnant on their own. Many people just don't talk about it and deal with it in silence. Kenny and I have been dealing with this issue for a few months now. Some may say that we haven't gotten pregnant because we haven't been trying for a year, and it just takes time. WELL, back in August we went to the doctor because I was having ovary pains and that is when this infertility journey started.
We tried a treatment with my OBGYN in September and it didn't work. My doctor wasn't very comforting and sucked at communicating with us. We had a horrible experience and after the treatment not working I felt pretty defeated. I was super sad, I would cry, and I couldn't stop thinking about it all. That's when we decided to put it on the back burner and go to a specialist in January. We went home for the holidays which was a great little vacation for us to not think about it so much, but when your family is constantly asking when you are going to have a baby it's really hard to just explain everything that you're going through. So we would just brush it off and say "Whenever we are blessed with a baby." Especially since we weren't even sure if I have ever ovulated.
So let's go back to a few weeks ago when we met with a specialist. Everything we thought was wrong with me was confirmed. I was diagnosed with PCOS. So began our next journey to try to get pregnant. When Kenny and I left the doctors office we felt so good about this doctor. She was caring, she told us our options, and told us we were in good hands because they have a high success rate for women with PCOS. It made us feel great!
TMI ALERT;
So I left with 2 prescriptions. One to make me start my period since I had gone so long without one(this is normal for me). The other to help my follicles grow to release an egg. I took the first medicine for 10 days then got my period on February 13th. I called the doctor right away and left a message because it was in the evening. On Friday I got a call back from the doctor and asked me to come in later that day for an ultrasound. So I go in and she checks to make sure I don't have any major cysts and everything looked great. She then printed me out a calendar on which days to take the Fermara which is what makes my follicles grow so I can release an egg.
So I went in yesterday for another ultrasound and my biggest follicle was at 12. In order for follicle to be mature it should be at a 20. I was a little disappointed, but I try not to get my hopes up to begin with because it doesn't always work the first or second time. It can take months to years, so I try not to get my hopes up. I go back in on Thursday to check how much more it has grown!!
We are very hopeful but try not to get excited! We hope this is out month!! We pray everyday for our little spirit, we are ready for you whenever you decided to come little one.
XOXO
